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You know what I've noticed? As I keep one foot in front of the other and continue to grow and change, I've found that I can directly relate the quality of my relations to the amount of love and patience I have with myself. There are plenty of things I want for myself, deep desires... things I know that I must continue to pursue although I don't necessarily believe I'll ever completely obtain. The difference is that when I am avidly working to accomplish and defeat the voices that tell me I can't, I am truly happy. I thrive, doors open, my world blossoms, and my company is great. It is in the moments that I regress on what I know is right (i.e. the plate of Japanese food sitting next to me with grade D chicken) that my attitude starts to change...
I find myself again at one of those points where there's a deep burning for action. I've allowed myself to fall into routines that don't completely satisfy me and have the potential of leaving me with self doubt. A lot has happened for me in the past six months... I've made considerable steps in the direction of living out a dream, but I've also suffered personally as we all do. The power of being able to separate oneself from some of the attachments that have shaped us, for better or worse, is one that goes beyond the realm of consciousness. To focus all our energies into creating and living every day appropriately, you just need to be willing to explore your mind and make sense of what's taking place within (easier said than done). Never mind what's taking place in this world- the deeper your self perception the less all that noise makes sense. We are best to ignore what we can, being the most positive vibe possible in the midst of a grocery list of things that damage the spirit and humanity as a whole. Pretty intense, I know... I could always keep it to myself, but I happily oblige to speak from my heart, let it be said, and stand behind it if for no other reason than my coming up on 25 years of age hoping that 1/3 of my life or more hasn't been lived in vain. I've picked up the bottle again, smoked the 27s, and eaten the man made mess that we satiate our hungers with... but i do know better- which is all I may know for certain right now. But knowing is believing, and I've felt a pang since I was a little girl, one that has been accompanied with the greatest desire to do things I love, share what I love, show love, and find it. First things first, continuing to find it within myself and fervently creating and contributing to all that makes my head spin and my heart race. Ah.... Did Diamond and a Tether really just come on Pandora? My typing here is done. Look forward to plenty of new music coming soon and who knows what else... I have quite a bit else I'd like to share. I won't go nearly two months without writing again, you have my word... - JC
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