the junction

I arrived for the Alchemy Bowl Crystal Meditation this past Wednesday a Soulful Awakenings in Belmar and I brought along two of my close girlfriends. We got comfortable and after a guided meditation listened to the bowls sing for sixty five minutes. Words cannot describe what happens for everyone individually during this time but from a scientific standpoint I would note that these bowls have an effect on a cellular level. The repair that is taking place is of the emotional sort. You are centering yourself in a whole new way, and although this is only my third time, I know I am hooked.

This evening, I can't stop thinking about all the new prospective opportunities and joys in my life. My heart chakra is in full effect and I am seeing and feeling green. I am envisioning beaches in Costa Rica and I am seeing myself there in great company. I am overjoyed with the potential of my life and the places I am headed but I am also fighting to stay connected to my breath and my body. Thinking too much. Eventually the meditation ends and I almost feel thankful in a way, like I have had enough.

On Wednesdays, everyone goes around the room and holds the crystal wand and talks about their experience. I decide to pass, as I feel like I am still very new to these experiences and I could only think of one thing most the time. As the wand is going around, it eventually ends up in the hands of a woman named Ellie. Everyone seems to turn to Ellie and get tall on their sit bones when she is about to share her experience. I immediately sense that this woman is clairvoyant and well respected amongst this community of spirits.

Ellie talks about beautfiul things, she speaks of seeing a certain woman in the room being draped in a headdress of rubies. She talks about seeing deer, and foliage, and beautiful things and amazing light shining from the bowls as they sing. These descriptive insights go on for a bit and to be honest, I lose interest in what she is saying to some extent. I don't know that I fully believe. But then....

Ellie asked, "Is anyone in the room here a James? or know a James?"

I waited... I got chills... and then responded.

"I am Jamie and my father is James."

She told me there was a message for me from James and he said, "You find yourself at the juntion of your heart's desires, proceed intuitively and cautiously."

What can I say? I am paralyzed. Sounds like fatherly advice to me. He was inside my head. He knew what I couldn't get my mind off of. He sees all the effort I am making to connect to the spiritual world and heal. To grow and love and REALLY follow my heart in all endeavors.

My girlfriends stared at me in disbelief. Part of me is so thankful they were with me to experience this special moment with me. It all just seems so right. Letting go of the shit that drains you and brings you down is the start to opening up so many amazing areas of your life.

These days, I am so full. Full of life, of energy, of love, passion, inspiration. I am enthralled with Asbury Park and the people in this town. The work that my boss is doing. The friends I have made and the people I continue to cross paths with. The beauty of the world and of each soul. And I do find myself now at the junction of my heart's desires. A point in my life where so many beautiful, amazing, things are coming together to make me whole. It may have taken a good break in order to come around again to the person I was before a beautiful mess of a man entered my life so abruptly, and walked out the way he came. I remember the day I met him just as clearly as the day he left and I am SO thankful for that experience. For loving something so much that it hurt me to envision a life without him. Fortunately for me, life has opened up in his absence and I don't know how to explain it, but everything feels dead on these days. 

All I know is that my future is bright. I don't know what I will possess, or where I will go, or what my relationships, or my career hold but I know what I hold within me and it is a damn good feeling to be privy to all that I am. To feel more connected to my father at twenty five than ever before in my life is a privelidge and an absolute joy in the wake of a sorrowful experience. 
 
I hope that everyone can be so honest about their life and their situation that it pains them. That they grow from the pain, and instead replace it with wisdom and strength. Create a beautiful life, with beautiful like minded people. To care for others on both a physical and emotionally level. You deserve every single thing you ever desired, what a shame it would be if you missed out on all your own greatness because you didn't have the courage to leave the past where it belongs, or make those small daily routine changes to get yourself started in the right direction.

Be brave. Be kind. Think it over and make your next move. Love is everything. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Follow through with plans for yourself and see where they lead you. 

JC