You know what I've noticed? As I keep one foot in front of the other and continue to grow and change, I've found that I can directly relate the quality of my relations to the amount of love and patience I have with myself. There are plenty of things I want for myself, deep desires... things I know that I must continue to pursue although I don't necessarily believe I'll ever completely obtain. The difference is that when I am avidly working to accomplish and defeat the voices that tell me I can't, I am truly happy. I thrive, doors open, my world blossoms, and my company is great. It is in the moments that I regress on what I know is right (i.e. the plate of Japanese food sitting next to me with grade D chicken) that my attitude starts to change...
I find myself again at one of those points where there's a deep burning for action. I've allowed myself to fall into routines that don't completely satisfy me and have the potential of leaving me with self doubt. A lot has happened for me in the past six months... I've made considerable steps in the direction of living out a dream, but I've also suffered personally as we all do. The power of being able to separate oneself from some of the attachments that have shaped us, for better or worse, is one that goes beyond the realm of consciousness. To focus all our energies into creating and living every day appropriately, you just need to be willing to explore your mind and make sense of what's taking place within (easier said than done). Never mind what's taking place in this world- the deeper your self perception the less all that noise makes sense. We are best to ignore what we can, being the most positive vibe possible in the midst of a grocery list of things that damage the spirit and humanity as a whole. Pretty intense, I know... I could always keep it to myself, but I happily oblige to speak from my heart, let it be said, and stand behind it if for no other reason than my coming up on 25 years of age hoping that 1/3 of my life or more hasn't been lived in vain. I've picked up the bottle again, smoked the 27s, and eaten the man made mess that we satiate our hungers with... but i do know better- which is all I may know for certain right now. But knowing is believing, and I've felt a pang since I was a little girl, one that has been accompanied with the greatest desire to do things I love, share what I love, show love, and find it. First things first, continuing to find it within myself and fervently creating and contributing to all that makes my head spin and my heart race. Ah.... Did Diamond and a Tether really just come on Pandora? My typing here is done. Look forward to plenty of new music coming soon and who knows what else... I have quite a bit else I'd like to share. I won't go nearly two months without writing again, you have my word... - JC
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Have you ever found yourself caught in an unexpected moment where music evoked some deeply personal response for you? There's a song that has done so much for me it would be hard to explain its significance to me, but I'd like to give it a shot. Awhile back, a cousin of mine from my father's side of the family came to see me play in AC and mentioned a song to me that she thought I might listen to and learn. Without putting much more thought into it, I agreed. After the show, a couple young girls who worked at the venue were discussing some deeply personal things going on in their lives and it is always in these moments that I find myself trying to provide others with encouraging words and a listening ear, calling upon my own experiences to relay my understanding and comfort them in knowing that it all works out.... we all have our story. It happens all the time, but after these moments where I console and comfort others, I can find myself lost in a sort of self pity.... Something that comes in waves, your pretty standard "why me?" It's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling like others have had it easier, or what life may have been like had certain things never happened or certain relationships been different, better, healthier, etc. but I can usually find myself on the side of gratitude when its all said and done, for this amazing gift of expression that I have been given... My voice. Anyway, the whole conversation got me to questioning a lot of things that evening as I tried making sense of it all on the ride home. It brought me to thinking a bit about my beliefs. I was just about to tweet something along the lines of "what's worse? to believe your God single handedly has all the answers or to know that we aren't privy to all the answers and no man who walked this earth is.", when I just rest my head back and started thinking of my father... You see, many people are under the impression that because I have deeply questioned the faith I was raised into, that I must not believe in heaven either, which is true to some extent. But what I DO believe in, is ENERGY. We know it is neither created not destroyed, but merely transferred and distributed amongst all living things and such. I am comfortable in knowing that my father's soul is eternal, partially because he lives within me and my siblings but mostly because I believe we are all a part of something much greater than our time here on earth in this moment... Anyway, I was thinking along these lines... Posing questions and thinking deeply about my lost love, my father. I happened to click on Pandora needing a break from it all, and the song my cousin asked me to learn was the first song that came on. I hadn't heard a single word, and the tears rolled. Just the music alone brought me so much solace- I can't put into words what happened to me in that moment but it was as if my father joined me, a clear sign, something much more than coincidence.... and I felt it. I felt as though he has penned each and every one of those lyrics to heal me, comfort me, and show me he is with me all along..... I've never felt a song more fitting in my life, it was as if my whole world stop spinning and we stood alone, unabated by the difference in our form, my physical being and his spirit. I shed so much more than tears that night-- every word suited and soothed me. Everything about that moment was perfect. I told a few of those closest to me about it, and from then on out the song found me often..... Walking in the door, on TV - Pandora, on numerous stations - My cousins follow up email with a link to the song - YouTube suggested videos - countless times turning on the radio at any given moment. One time me and my sister got in the car together and it came on. I had told her about my first experience with the song, so she knew and she definitely saw my excitement... The thing is, I understand that you may or may not believe what I say to be true, but because I believe that my father is with me in each and every one of these moments, the power of positive thinking makes it all possible. It is sincerely a real notion, your thoughts are energy - you get what you give! But to finally make my point, last night I was in the van on the way home from a gig texting a friend, I literally said "I complain a lot but amidst all the things that happen, I'm in a very high point with all going on.." and I smiled to myself thinking about where I stand.... Believe me, I've been tested time and time again but i try to think that no matter what chaos and circumstance come my way that I owe it to myself to remain calm and at peace with it all, even if its the hardest thing to do. Lastly, upon returning to my car at 2:30 in the morning and powering up my car, I turned on my radio and the intro began.... Then the words embraced me like the first time all over again, except this time there were no tears.... just a smile as I was carted off to a deeply magical state of mind, where I got to spend the next few minutes enjoying my father's company....... How lucky am I? -JC Take a listen to the song here: Tonight was a really good night... Its 4am and I was compelled to jump on here and write a bit. I just jammed with some really chill and talented kids and it was a damn good feeling. A little reggae to start and the rest was just a lovely mix... Long story short, someone who was playing keyboard told me afterward that he really enjoyed my voice, adding that "nobody gets a voice like that unless they've been through some shit." In all honesty, no one has ever said that to me. I get soul all the time but to me soul is directly related to feeling and we all have feelings... this? this really hit me in a positive way. It's been an awesome summer. I've had the opportunity to sing live with my band anywhere from four to seven nights a week, traveling all over the tri-state and meeting a hell of a lot of fun, encouraging people, further fueling the passion and love I have for the journey I'm about to embark upon.. I'm fortunate to do what I love to do all the while making connections with people of all different backgrounds and places..I have to say, twenty four has been a stand out year for me. I've invested in my dreams on a small scale and have been blessed with tons of positivity in turn... It's thrilling. I've been working hard on the keyboard and I look forward to sharing some videos where you all can listen and watch me vibe to some of my favorites. Things are slowly but surely coming together - photo shoot in the works, LP in the works, living out a dream as I speak.. I'm making moves with an old friend to get a new place in Asbury and I'm pretty amped about that as well. There's really no price tag you can put on some peace of mind, plus there's a hell of a lot of inspiration to be found in all walks of life down there. All positive vibes coming my way and I have never been more grateful for my position than I am today, in the here and now. I haven't always felt this gracious and accepting of my life experiences thus far, but the lessons learned have not been taken lightly and the voice within has always prevailed. I am deserving of a wonderful life, as are each and every one of us... but it's our job to go out and create it! Don't listen to the naysayers and don't pay mind to the tidal waves of doubt we all so reluctantly allow to wash away our true intent. Be honest with who you are and where you want to see yourself, and the transparency around you will surely fade away. I leave you with a post I recently came across that rings true with a little of what I'm saying... take care and be great! - Jamie |